Carolina Drama

Jack White used to be cool. I swear to god he used to. Back when the White Stripes were a thing and he was making actual music instead of collaborating with... The fucking ICP. 


I'm not even joking here.


Just look it up and prepare for your ears to start bleeding.


However back when Jack White was not a complete lame douche he was part of a project known as The Raconteurs which is basically a band made of musicians from other bands of varying success rates.


We're doing a song by them today.


Carolina Drama - The Raconteurs

I'm not sure if there's a point to this story
But I'm going to tell it again
So many other people try to tell the tale
Not one of them knows the end

We later find out that he doesn't as well. Good job on that one. Of course it's clear to me from the beginning that this song is a parody. You can tell from the first two lines. In most cases songs with a story end up being morality plays. In this case however it isn't. There is absolutely no point to the story.

It's brilliant in a way.
It was a junk-house in South Carolina
Held a boy the age of ten
Along with his older brother Billy
And a mother and her boyfriend

Stage is set. Let's get this show on the road. Also why Billy? Could you not pick a more stock southern name? Was Bobby too obvious? Or would no one would be able to take the song seriously if I was able to make constant King of the Hill references.

Who was a triple loser with some blue tattoos
That were given to him when he was young
And a drunk temper that was easy to lose
And thank god he didn't own a gun

I think I know where this is going. The boyfriend is going to a be a great chap who pulls himself, his lover, and her family out of the poverty they live in.


Hint: All of that was blatant lies.

Well, Billy woke up in the back of his truck
Took a minute to open his eyes
He took a peep into the back of the house
And found himself a big surprise

A big black guy who goes by the name of Joe.

He didn't see his brother but there was his mother
With her red-headed head in her hands
While the boyfriend had his gloves wrapped around an old priest
Trying to choke the man

INTRIGUE! We have now just found out that after taking a nap Billy found his mother, who by the way has a red headed head, crying over her boyfriend who is strangling a priest for no reason in particular other than the fact that he's a massive dick. 

What would you do in Billy's situation?
Would you:
A) Attempt to calm down the Boyfriend like a rational fucking human being.
B) Order a pizza.
C) Pretend you saw nothing and  go back to sleep in your truck.
D) Nothing because the song skips forward in time and we never find out what he does.

Ah Ah Ahhh...

This is the best verse in the history of ever. I have never heard or read of such a deep and intricate series of lyrics besides "Semen stains the mountain tops"*. Surely Jack White is the Bob Dylan of our time. Which means that in about a year he's going to going to pick up hitch-hiking Frank Turner.**

Billy looked up from the window to the truck
Threw up, and had to struggle to stand
He saw that red-necked bastard with a hammer
Turn the priest into a shell of a man

This implies he got the shit beaten out of him (rightfully so) but we are never precisely sure what action Billy took so for all he know he insulted the Boyfriend's mother while waving his cock at him. Also the Boyfriend just attempted to murder the Priest with a hammer which means that I have the right under the constitution to call him Captain Hammer, which brings up many implications if you know what the hammer is.

The priest was putting up the fight of his life
But he was old and he was bound to lose
The boyfriend hit as hard as he could
And knocked the priest right down to his shoes

Little did the priest know that one of Captain Hammer's super powers are shrink fists which cause any person to shrink. Turns out he punched the Priest so hard that he shrunk to the size of his shoes.

Or you know it could be just a really inept metaphor. Who knows?

Well, now Billy knew but never actually met
The preacher lying there in the room
He heard himself say, "That must be my daddy"
Then he knew what he was gonna do

Give him a great big hug for getting the courage for standing up to a complete douchebag Boyfriend?


Oh who am I kidding. Billy is gonna murder the shit out of Priest Dad.


He is going to figuratively knock the spirit out of this Preacher of The Holy Spirit who happens to also be his father.


He is going to make like the Romans and crucify the fuck out of Jesus Daddy.

Billy got up enough courage, took it up
And grabbed the first blunt thing he could find
It was a cold, glass bottle of milk
That got delivered every morning at nine

This is probably the point where I realized this song was a parody. After this point the song stops trying to veil itself in the realm of feasible revenge stories. The idea is enough to make anyone chuckle. That an urban legend could be made out of some kid smashing milk over a dude's head. Oh sorry did I ruin the surprise?


Yeah Billy goes to town with a bottle of milk. Just imagine a ginger with a stupid snarling face beating someone with a small bottle of white liquid and you could see just how ridiculous this is.

Ah Ah Ahhh...

Genius.

Billy broke in and saw the blood on the floor, and
He turned around and put the lock on the door
He looked dead into the boyfriend's eye
His mother was a ghost, too upset to cry, then
He took a step toward the man on the ground
From his mouth trickled out a little audible sound
He heard the boyfriend shout, "Get out!"

"I haven't quite finished killing your father who you haven't seen in years!" This isn't gonna end well. The story I mean. I'm quite enjoying the song though.

And Billy said, "Not till I know what this is all about"
"Well, this preacher here was attacking your mama"
But Billy knew just who was starting the drama
So Billy took dead aim at his face
And smashed the bottle on the man who left his dad in disgrace, and
The white milk dripped down with the blood, and the
Boyfriend fell down dead for good

Yeah originally I said that he killed his father but that was a bold face lie so I could make 
priest jokes.


Aren't I great?


I also love how Priest Dad takes a beating with a hammer and being beat the shit out of him by Captain Hammer but the younger, stronger, Captain dies in one hit to a bottle of milk.


Hiding the body should be easy though. Go to the city and find the red light district. Trust me knowing the police they'll probably think this guy had one hell of a night.

Right next to the preacher who was gasping for air
And Billy shouted, "Daddy, why'd you have to come back here?"
His mama reached behind the sugar and honey, and
Pulled out an envelope filled with money
"Your daddy gave us this," she collapsed in tears
"He's been paying all the bills for years"

What a twist!


So let me get this straight. The boyfriend found out and beat the hell of Priest Dad. This guy sounds like quite the catch. Billy's Mother has fucking great taste in men apparently.

"Mama, let's put this body underneath the trees
and put Daddy in the truck and head to Tennessee"
Just then, his little brother came in
Holding the milk man's hat and a bottle of gin singing,

Yes the little brother who was only mentioned once before somehow got a hold of the Milkman's hat.


Why? We'll find out at the end of the song. See Jack White, being the brilliant song writer he is, needed a thematic way to tie the song up. So what he did was shoehorn an extra character that does absolutely nothing in story but show up and start singing. Now I will admit that this does make the story more convincing in the whole "southern tale" aspect. This is probably the only part of the song that doesn't exactly work. It has very little build up and only serves one purpose. That being to tie up the loose ends at the end of the song.

La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la, la la la...
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la, la la la...
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah

Jack White you glorious bastard. You know all about those crazy fucking milkman kids. 

Well now you heard another side to the story
But you wanna know how it ends?
If you must know, the truth about the tale
Go and ask the milkman

SEE! The kid was the milkman! This totally makes sense!


I had no clue about this song beforehand so I'd like to thank Near for helping me find it. It's strange that I had no clue this band existed. I had originally ignored it because it seemed to be to be just another stupid "strange shit happens to make modern folk tale" song.


Than I realized, Jack Fucking White. Which is when I myself took inspiration from this song and smash milk all over dead beat boyfriends here. Of course bottles here are made of plastic so it did very little aside from being mildly annoying...


Still it's the thought that counts.


*Reference to a previous review Communist Daughter - Neutral Milk Hotel
** Reference to a previous review I Am Disapeared - Frank Turner

Back Through Time

I've never been a fan of Vikings.

Vikings are kind of lame and brutish. They just burn and pillage with no real goal. All of the noble vikings can't really be called vikings...

This aint fucking Skyrim if you catch my drift.

You know what's cooler?

Pirates.

They burn and pillage but they've got a reason for it. 

Fame and Fortune.

And from the song we're about to do I guess pirates have the same feelings about vikings as I do. (MASTERFUL SEGUE... God it's been a while since I've done that.)

Back Through Time - Alestorm

Twas off some Carribbean shore while on an epic quest

Everyone gets a craving for Twinkies once in a while.

Even Pirates.

We came across a strange device

It looks oddly like a metallic penis.

A mystic portal into another time

Last Wednesday to be precise.

Where vikings ruled the land and sea

Except all the parts they didn't rule.

Such mighty treasure they did hold

Most of them are horns from various animals encrusted by jewels but the Captain has always want to say that the Jewels were making him horny in a semi ironic way.

We killed them all to steal their gold! 

Which would be easy as piss considering that they had better weapons and most importantly gun powder.

You put your faith in Odin and Thor

"Unlike us who put our faith into God. Which is totally different."

We put ours in cannons and whores

Sometimes when they get extra drunk they put the whores into the cannons.

For kicks.

Your viking gods won't save you now

Now if only it was the Thursday, than the vikings might've stood a better chance.

When pirates strike from the starboard bow

"Coming up next, when pirates strike from the starboard bow. Are you ready for inevitable pirate attack? News at eleven."

Back through time

The only problem is getting back to the present. Didn't really think that one through now did they?

To fight the viking foe

"They're foes so it's completely okay to slaughter them."

Back through time

When disease was even worse.

Where our voyage must now go

To the bathroom cause there are quite a few pirates who have been holding it in once you guys traveled through the temporal anus as it were.

Six hundred years into the past

I'm not sure if that is accurate so instead I'm just gonna say fish.

Our destiny is here at last

To slaughter thousands of vikings and than cease to exist thanks to time fuckery, which is now a word.

For infamy and plunder we will ride

We won't ride for anything else however, survival is completely optional.

Their ships were powerless against our cannonfire

No shit. They had to move it with fucking ores meanwhile you assholes have got sails. This is borderline cheating.

We took no prisoners that day. Yarrr.

"Aye, we're pirates by the way in case you didn't remember."

The vikings prayed for mercy as we cut their throats

Just watch, they're gonna find a way out of Sovngarde and then they're gonna kick your ass as immortal ass kicking zombie vikings.

But their worthless gods did not hear their cries

I know that's how I like to end my songs.

With impotent gods.

All The Right Moves

I know nothing about One Republic. I've never been a fan of mainstream light rock except maybe Coldplay on occasions.


Still I'm sure that there is a lot of deep meaning behind this song.


Who am I kidding?


All The Right Moves - One Republic

All the right friends in all the right places

By the right place he means at the local Starbucks.

So yeah, we're going down

Why do I always have to do the songs with references to eating pussy?

Oh wait...

They got all the right moves in all the right faces

Oh there's something I'd like to move into this guy's fist.

And it's not my dick this time.

So yeah, we're going down

They're much like a kamikaze fighter plane in that respect.

Just paint the picture of a perfect place

Hastily done in paint for added effect.

They got it better than what anyone's told you

Damn I always knew those starving people with aids in Africa had it better than me with my seven hats and expensive laptop.

They'll be the King of Hearts, and you're the Queen of Spades

I fucking love when a song puts in a cards reference. I don't know what it's with me and cards but I just fucking love them. Also kind of helps that I can rock anyone's shit in a good game of Poker.

Then we'll fight for you like we were your soldiers

And I'll fight for her like I was a general...

Silently wondering how bad I fucked up at commanding my troops.

I know we've got it good

According to this song everyone has it good.

My friend Billy Two Fingers would like to bring up an objection but he can't as he has no pointer finger.

But they got it made

They made cupcakes for everyone. What considerate people.

And the grass is getting greener each day

Be right back. I'm gonna go and confirm this.

No it isn't.

I know things are looking up

"Holy shit what's that in the sky?"

But soon they'll take us down,

This is a figurative wrestling match of emotion with all the underlying homoerotic subtext.

before anybody's knowing our name.

Trust me if people knew my name they'd be able to hunt me down quicker than...

Something that is really fast and hunts.

Do you think I'm special?

No.

Do you think I'm nice?

Depends on your definition.

Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?

It's been called 'The Glowstick" for a reason.

Between the noise you hear

It was a weird PFFFFFFT noise.

And the sound you like

Which for most men is the sound of moaning.

Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

Unlike the Ocean this line isn't actually as deep as it looks.

It can be possible that rain can fall,

HOLY SHIT REALLY!?

Only when it's over our heads

Both of them.

The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away

Thanks Captain Obvious.

Over the world is death.

Death by asphyxiation to be precise.

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going

To a gay bar. They're gonna take you to a gay bar. Gay bar? Gay bar.

It don't matter what you see.

Tell that to a blind man.

I know I could never be

A competent song writer.

Someone that'll look like you.

"Mostly cause you're a chick."

It don't matter what you say,

"One day I will become so lame that my dick will retract into myself and I WILL be a woman! Mark my words and mark them well!"

I know I could never face

His excruciating fear of walnuts.

someone that could sound like you.

He thinks her voice is kawai desu ne.

(All the right moves, hey)

We need to have the title make sense at the end of the song.

Otherwise this song wouldn't make sense.

Light Up the Night

In order to christen this new website blog thing I'm gonna do the impossible.

I'm gonna review a song.

Wish me luck.

Light Up The Night - The Protomen

This city's sleeping like a soldier

He's a Canadian soldier so really it's quite boring

trapped inside of an iron lung,

They couldn't afford steel.

Machines can keep you breathing

They could but he wants your money right now so he's gonna pull the plug right now...


Good luck in hell Grandma!

but what happens when you find a new war's begun?

You sleep in a cozy hospital bed while everyone else fights?

Flip a switch and turn it off, you won't be able to breathe.

Cause obviously in the middle of a war they'd decide to kill the patients... Wait what?

So either way you're a casualty.

Except in one case it was caused by horrible doctors and in the other it's caused by horrible dictators.

I've got this burning like my veins are filled

With aids.

with nothing but gasoline.

His blood must be worth a small Arab fortune.

And with a spark,

The ignition turns on.

it's gonna be the biggest fire they've ever seen.

They're roasting marshmallows in celebration of the momentous occasion.

Cut me down or let me run,

It's like the climax of the second Indian Jones film. You know on the bridge and shit.

either way it's all gonna burn...

He had to apologize profusely for burning the steaks.

The only way that they'll ever learn

If they paid attention in class once in a goddamn while.

We've got to turn it off,

"The Kettle is making that horrible noise and I can't stand it anymore."

Flip a switch.

And the light turns on!


You can't explain that!

Light up the night!

I believe they also refer to that one as "toking up".

There is a city that this darkness can't hide.

The darkness is following the rules meanwhile your out here singing a stupid song which is a clear violation of section 12a.

There are the embers of a fire that's gone out,

Charmander has fainted.

But I can still feel the heat on my skin

"Mostly because I am still on fire as I sing. Literally. Someone please send help."

This mess we're in, well you and I,

The things that can happen with a pack of condoms, a bottle of whiskey, and a clown suit.

maybe you and I,

This guy is even worse than the guy from Pulp*!

We can still make it right.

And by right he means right hand. He's talking about mutual masturbation session.

Maybe we can bring back the light.

It's as simple as going to the hardware store and picking up a bulb.

At the heart of the city there is a building that looks down over all there is.

It's called the Stock Exchange.

And the man in the tower controls it all without raising a single fist.

He's very much unlike Caligula who was all about the fisting.

It's like they gathered up the city, they sold it to the devil, and now

The Devil bought it for twenty bucks and half an egg salad sandwich.

It's gone to hell and they wonder how.

Well the Devil kind of just picked it up and placed it there.

Well, a friend once told me:

If you ever meet a whore named Susan, she most certainly has gonorrhea. Wise words to live by. 

Men, they would follow any man who would turn the wheels.

Ever since the days of yonder us men can't stop the fascination with wheels. That's why the rebellion is all women.

Now the wheels are spinning out of control; what would they do if we held them still?

You'd get a massive tire burn over your hands that may even tear your skin.

If you destroy the working parts, what you'll get is a broken machine.

Actually you'd get nothing since in order for a machine to work all of it's parts need to be working.

SEE LOGIC DICTATES THAT THIS LINE IS STUPID!

A beacon of light from a burning screen.

That's simply the latest episode of Jersey Shore.

Light it up.

Toke up like real gangstas... 

I've been doing too much rap music.


(*This is a reference to a previous review which I will post shortly, Common People by Pulp.)