Carolina Drama

Jack White used to be cool. I swear to god he used to. Back when the White Stripes were a thing and he was making actual music instead of collaborating with... The fucking ICP. 


I'm not even joking here.


Just look it up and prepare for your ears to start bleeding.


However back when Jack White was not a complete lame douche he was part of a project known as The Raconteurs which is basically a band made of musicians from other bands of varying success rates.


We're doing a song by them today.


Carolina Drama - The Raconteurs

I'm not sure if there's a point to this story
But I'm going to tell it again
So many other people try to tell the tale
Not one of them knows the end

We later find out that he doesn't as well. Good job on that one. Of course it's clear to me from the beginning that this song is a parody. You can tell from the first two lines. In most cases songs with a story end up being morality plays. In this case however it isn't. There is absolutely no point to the story.

It's brilliant in a way.
It was a junk-house in South Carolina
Held a boy the age of ten
Along with his older brother Billy
And a mother and her boyfriend

Stage is set. Let's get this show on the road. Also why Billy? Could you not pick a more stock southern name? Was Bobby too obvious? Or would no one would be able to take the song seriously if I was able to make constant King of the Hill references.

Who was a triple loser with some blue tattoos
That were given to him when he was young
And a drunk temper that was easy to lose
And thank god he didn't own a gun

I think I know where this is going. The boyfriend is going to a be a great chap who pulls himself, his lover, and her family out of the poverty they live in.


Hint: All of that was blatant lies.

Well, Billy woke up in the back of his truck
Took a minute to open his eyes
He took a peep into the back of the house
And found himself a big surprise

A big black guy who goes by the name of Joe.

He didn't see his brother but there was his mother
With her red-headed head in her hands
While the boyfriend had his gloves wrapped around an old priest
Trying to choke the man

INTRIGUE! We have now just found out that after taking a nap Billy found his mother, who by the way has a red headed head, crying over her boyfriend who is strangling a priest for no reason in particular other than the fact that he's a massive dick. 

What would you do in Billy's situation?
Would you:
A) Attempt to calm down the Boyfriend like a rational fucking human being.
B) Order a pizza.
C) Pretend you saw nothing and  go back to sleep in your truck.
D) Nothing because the song skips forward in time and we never find out what he does.

Ah Ah Ahhh...

This is the best verse in the history of ever. I have never heard or read of such a deep and intricate series of lyrics besides "Semen stains the mountain tops"*. Surely Jack White is the Bob Dylan of our time. Which means that in about a year he's going to going to pick up hitch-hiking Frank Turner.**

Billy looked up from the window to the truck
Threw up, and had to struggle to stand
He saw that red-necked bastard with a hammer
Turn the priest into a shell of a man

This implies he got the shit beaten out of him (rightfully so) but we are never precisely sure what action Billy took so for all he know he insulted the Boyfriend's mother while waving his cock at him. Also the Boyfriend just attempted to murder the Priest with a hammer which means that I have the right under the constitution to call him Captain Hammer, which brings up many implications if you know what the hammer is.

The priest was putting up the fight of his life
But he was old and he was bound to lose
The boyfriend hit as hard as he could
And knocked the priest right down to his shoes

Little did the priest know that one of Captain Hammer's super powers are shrink fists which cause any person to shrink. Turns out he punched the Priest so hard that he shrunk to the size of his shoes.

Or you know it could be just a really inept metaphor. Who knows?

Well, now Billy knew but never actually met
The preacher lying there in the room
He heard himself say, "That must be my daddy"
Then he knew what he was gonna do

Give him a great big hug for getting the courage for standing up to a complete douchebag Boyfriend?


Oh who am I kidding. Billy is gonna murder the shit out of Priest Dad.


He is going to figuratively knock the spirit out of this Preacher of The Holy Spirit who happens to also be his father.


He is going to make like the Romans and crucify the fuck out of Jesus Daddy.

Billy got up enough courage, took it up
And grabbed the first blunt thing he could find
It was a cold, glass bottle of milk
That got delivered every morning at nine

This is probably the point where I realized this song was a parody. After this point the song stops trying to veil itself in the realm of feasible revenge stories. The idea is enough to make anyone chuckle. That an urban legend could be made out of some kid smashing milk over a dude's head. Oh sorry did I ruin the surprise?


Yeah Billy goes to town with a bottle of milk. Just imagine a ginger with a stupid snarling face beating someone with a small bottle of white liquid and you could see just how ridiculous this is.

Ah Ah Ahhh...

Genius.

Billy broke in and saw the blood on the floor, and
He turned around and put the lock on the door
He looked dead into the boyfriend's eye
His mother was a ghost, too upset to cry, then
He took a step toward the man on the ground
From his mouth trickled out a little audible sound
He heard the boyfriend shout, "Get out!"

"I haven't quite finished killing your father who you haven't seen in years!" This isn't gonna end well. The story I mean. I'm quite enjoying the song though.

And Billy said, "Not till I know what this is all about"
"Well, this preacher here was attacking your mama"
But Billy knew just who was starting the drama
So Billy took dead aim at his face
And smashed the bottle on the man who left his dad in disgrace, and
The white milk dripped down with the blood, and the
Boyfriend fell down dead for good

Yeah originally I said that he killed his father but that was a bold face lie so I could make 
priest jokes.


Aren't I great?


I also love how Priest Dad takes a beating with a hammer and being beat the shit out of him by Captain Hammer but the younger, stronger, Captain dies in one hit to a bottle of milk.


Hiding the body should be easy though. Go to the city and find the red light district. Trust me knowing the police they'll probably think this guy had one hell of a night.

Right next to the preacher who was gasping for air
And Billy shouted, "Daddy, why'd you have to come back here?"
His mama reached behind the sugar and honey, and
Pulled out an envelope filled with money
"Your daddy gave us this," she collapsed in tears
"He's been paying all the bills for years"

What a twist!


So let me get this straight. The boyfriend found out and beat the hell of Priest Dad. This guy sounds like quite the catch. Billy's Mother has fucking great taste in men apparently.

"Mama, let's put this body underneath the trees
and put Daddy in the truck and head to Tennessee"
Just then, his little brother came in
Holding the milk man's hat and a bottle of gin singing,

Yes the little brother who was only mentioned once before somehow got a hold of the Milkman's hat.


Why? We'll find out at the end of the song. See Jack White, being the brilliant song writer he is, needed a thematic way to tie the song up. So what he did was shoehorn an extra character that does absolutely nothing in story but show up and start singing. Now I will admit that this does make the story more convincing in the whole "southern tale" aspect. This is probably the only part of the song that doesn't exactly work. It has very little build up and only serves one purpose. That being to tie up the loose ends at the end of the song.

La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la, la la la...
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la, la la la...
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah
La la la la, la la la la, yeah

Jack White you glorious bastard. You know all about those crazy fucking milkman kids. 

Well now you heard another side to the story
But you wanna know how it ends?
If you must know, the truth about the tale
Go and ask the milkman

SEE! The kid was the milkman! This totally makes sense!


I had no clue about this song beforehand so I'd like to thank Near for helping me find it. It's strange that I had no clue this band existed. I had originally ignored it because it seemed to be to be just another stupid "strange shit happens to make modern folk tale" song.


Than I realized, Jack Fucking White. Which is when I myself took inspiration from this song and smash milk all over dead beat boyfriends here. Of course bottles here are made of plastic so it did very little aside from being mildly annoying...


Still it's the thought that counts.


*Reference to a previous review Communist Daughter - Neutral Milk Hotel
** Reference to a previous review I Am Disapeared - Frank Turner